(TW for abuse, suicidal thoughts)
There’s a girl I’ve known for over 5 years, and she always has a really bad attitude towards everything and everyone. She’s aggressive, she’s rude, and she’s 12 years old. We’ll call her Olive.
We were out somewhere today. My sister walked over to Olive and…
So… for the last week or so, my mind was wrecked with thoughts about what to do now that my professed love to my friend had been returned. My head nearly hurt just thinking about it until… I decided to just stop thinking about it. And that’s how my decision had come to me.
Heck, I love her, but when I try to imagine us in a relationship, holding hands or maybe just hugging, the problem is, I can’t imagine it. I can’t imagine us talking about anything with “love” going on between us, I can’t imagine us just enjoying staring into each others eyes. I can’t imagine us doing anything beyond what we’ve been doing before we told each other, and that’s where I start to lead off into questions.
Can I truly imagine my entire life with her? …. no, not as soul mates. Possibly life long friends, but nothing closer. Why? Because it gets awkward when we get touchy-feely. I can’t tug her hand without feeling awkward, nor can I stare at her in the eyes without the tension in the air.
So… that’s how I found out she’s not the one.
The first time I thought this, my heart started to thud, and I didn’t want to believe it. But the thought consisted, until finally my heart had to agree with my mind. If we were to try it out, it wouldn’t last long. Probably wouldn’t even last a week, in my opinion. It’s because… sigh. She’s more than a friend (the way my heart thuds tells me that), not exactly a family member (the awkwardness checks that), and most definitely not a lover (I know in my heart that there’s a lot of fish in the sea). She’s that best friend, you know? That one person you can always depend on that you can tell everything.
So… “when I was thirteen, I had my first love”. How ironic is that?
I’m crying.
……. FOUR MINUTES OF DOING SOMETHING BETTER THAN STARING AT THE SCREEN.
(via wereherewerequeer)
I’m slowing things down. As in, even if I feel the urge to, I will not come out to anyone anytime soon.
It’s not because I regret coming out. Really, I have these two awesome friends who basically joke around with me when I hang out with my crush (who is my best friend so… heh). If I had the choice, I’d tell my entire class in one big confession blurt out, and see all of them react. I’m really fine with being a lesbian and letting others know now.
The reason I’m stopping the flow of things is because… that flow is starting to get out of hand. Let things settle down and get thoughts leveled before I go on coming out. Sometimes I’ll just pause and think about how people know, and how it all seems to be going by way too quickly, and that’s what scares me. I have my entire life ahead of me, so why tell everyone as if I’m about to die tomorrow?
Of course, I take into account that life is really too short. I’m going to tell everyone, but at the moment, the people I have told are just enough for me to be comfortable in life. I feel accomplished that I not only came out to one or two people, but nine of my classmates. I think after my class I’m going to stop keeping count, but for me that’s a great feat.
I’m wondering how long I can go without meeting a homophobic.
[I actually forgot to add one more person in that last post…]
I came out to a boy in my class today. The first freaking boy to know is a tall 6’3”, with large feet to match. Tall and lanky, you can say, but his muscles freaking shoot up each time he has to lift anything. It’s so amazingly freaky.
Anyhow, technically, my friend (who is way too enthusiastic to help me out orz) told him, but I was there to give moral support. She kind of whispered it to the gentle giant, and he kind of had a shocked face for a moment, before he gave an awkward chuckle.
HECK YES.
Afterwards, he was all “I’m cool with it bro, but the other bros might not be cool with it. They prolly be talking ‘bout it, but I’m cool with it bro” in simple terms.
It’s probably easier for me since I’ve known these kids all my life, but seriously guys, it gets better.
playing violin isn’t the only reason your finger nails are short
That number up there is how many people I’ve told in my class in total. Seven out of twenty five kids, not including myself.
It’s my school year long goal- something I do each year for the heck of it- where I strive to accomplish this one goal in the extent of a full school year. I’ve actually finished each goal I’ve set so far, but none were as challenging as this one.
I plan to tell at least more than half the kids in my class that I’m a lesbian. I don’t want to graduate eighth grade knowing that I’m leaving my classmates, who I’ve known nearly my entire life, with the impression of someone that I’m not. I want them to know about who I really am before we part paths. Lord knows if we’ll ever see each other again.
After that week at camp, where we’ve practically spilled our emotions out to each other, I felt as if I could trust my entire class. They’ll (I’m fairly certain dkfjsdf) love me for who I am, not what I am.
Thanks for hearing me out guys ;w;
I don’t know who else to talk to about it, to be honest. But just letting the words out really helps me get things straight. I don’t even know all the people who read these words, it could be the very people in my class that read them, but I don’t really care.
When I first made this blog, I had already considered what I was putting out here. But I didn’t care. I just needed my words to be heard, to know that at least someone out there was reading and taking an interest in my life.
So thanks, tumblr, once again. It was because of you people that I got the courage to tell my friends about my being a lesbian. ><” I don’t think without tumblr I’d have been able to do such a task.
… Despite all things, the one thing that will forever stand out… was my crush.
So we’ve eventually told each other that we like each other. I’ve admitted to myself that I’m lesbian for her, and she admits that she’s bi for me because I’m very important in her life. The wonders of this discovery have opened my heart to everything, and the entire week felt as if it were on a breeze.
But all good things must come to an end, and this certain one came to an abrupt… halt. My good friend who I had recently opened up to had said- after finding out both myself and my crush were… different- that we should really get together.
Now, my crush, after finding out about such weird words, said automatically, “Nu-uh!” I don’t think she meant for it to hurt me, but it really sort of stuck in my mind the rest of the week. I had found out my love had liked me back when suddenly, ker-plunk, the spark died out once again.
Thus, I start to suspect she’s bi-curious ;w;
She had asked me uncertainly one day to make sure we weren’t. “We’re… not, right?” It hurt so much. I wanted to… I dunno, cry my eyes out. I wanted to tell her that, yes, I love you, just don’t say those words. Don’t lift my spirits up only to drop them like glass. …so I gave up and agreed. Her wish, my vow. We won’t get together unless she wants to.
Though I guess the many good things that came from this makes up for this one single moment. There’s literally no awkwardness between us now (thank goodness for that!) and our relationship is more or less back to normal. There’s still the knowledge that we have feelings for one another, but what the hey, if I ignored them before, I can ignore them for her sake, right? Haha, I don’t know how long that could go on, but I’m just glad I can talk to her without any silences in between.
